So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My bed smells like the plague
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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