yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
