im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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