i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
