So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
