I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
