Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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