I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
