there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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