everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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