Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
