; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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