Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
