if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
