So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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