I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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