roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
