toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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