I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You took a bar mat shot.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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