One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
