I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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