Whod you bang
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
