Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Randomize
