Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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