Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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