census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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