you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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