I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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