Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
