can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
