So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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