I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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