my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
