Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
