I'm so fucking centered right now
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
