she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
