The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
