Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
