why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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