last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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