So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
