Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
