Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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