Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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