I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
