please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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