On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
