It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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