he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
