You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
