Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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