i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
