Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
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He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
When are your genitals available?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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