Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
