I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Randomize
