I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
