census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
