she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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