I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
